Once upon a time, citizen Abilene earnestly cast her vote to elect the first woman president of the Land of OMG. When the woman’s opponent unexpectedly won instead, many in OMG were distressed. Many, Abilene among them, did not understand how The Orange Man – the most obnoxious, racist, misogynist person anyone, anywhere, had ever come across – would soon become their leader. Most citizens held the belief that it was the orange itself that had made him so hateful.
Abilene worked as a receptionist, but was known in her district for her ability to think deep thoughts. She suffered from OCD and clinical depression, for which she was on a regimen of medications and psychotherapy. Abilene had discovered that smoking weed not only helped her relax after a hectic day, but enabled her to think even deeper thoughts than before.
Since the election, she often found herself thinking: How did The Orange Man win? Was he a spy for the Land of LMAO? Was he a LMAO puppet? Abilene put her feet up on the couch, took another hit off the pipe, and began thinking deep thoughts. She wondered why The Orange Man had such strange hair. How come he speaks like a fifth-grader? And why does he bark so much on Barker? Is it that the 140 characters match his vocabulary? Abilene began to notice the familiar pull of profound insight. Soon one deep thought ricocheted off another, and Abilene started to draw conclusions. One particular theory concerning The Orange Man’s use of Barker to distract the populace from other nefarious goings-on careened into a previous reflection about the involvement of the Land of LMAO and the thorny question of whether the FBI was directly involved. The resulting collision of deep thoughts propelled Abilene into a strange new world. She was no longer in her own thoughts, deep or otherwise. Somehow she had traveled to the mind of The Orange Man, himself.
She had not been inside anyone’s mind before. “I’ve never seen so many simple words,” she said. “No wonder he can’t put a decent sentence together.” Abilene was fascinated. “Look at that!” she exclaimed, as a swarm of convoluted thoughts swirled around her like a school of crazy fish. She stood watching them swirl, when suddenly they were chased away by a small, but ferocious assumption.
Abilene stepped carefully to avoid a deeply rooted conviction, pausing to examine a power fantasy looming beside it. “This is amazing. Hello!” she shouted. “Is anyone there?” Her words bounced against the walls and reverberated back at her. No one appeared to be home. Abilene noticed an opening through which poured an unending flow of prejudice. “Holy shit,” she said.
Abilene watched with concern as the prejudice pooled around her and started to rise. “Uh-oh,” she thought. She waded through the waters, then jumped onto a dry ridge. Several prickly prejudices stuck to her jeans. She brushed at them with her hand. “Get off!” The flow of prejudice had slowed to a drip.
Just then Abilene was attacked by a pack of lies. They were vicious, biting her ankles and hands. Abilene swiped at an aggressive one – I’m being audited. She caught it on the chin, knocking it down. Another took its place – Not born in America. Abilene reached out and strangled it. “I’m so sick of you,” she told it. She saw a whole wall of levers in front of her. “Hello,” she said. Some handles appeared to be just for show; one looked damaged beyond repair. She drew closer to read the label. “Criticism.” Abilene finally understood why The Orange Man’s skin was so thin.
The lies had cornered her against the wall of levers. She bent to read more labels, finding one marked “Admiration.” “That’s my ticket out!” She tugged at the lever. It moved easily, and fluffy clouds of admiration rose beneath her. She flew high above the lies, floating toward a distant light. She could hear music. “That’s it!” she exclaimed. “His ear.” Abilene tried to steer the cloud toward the light. She gritted her teeth. “You are superior. I admire you!” she shouted into the abyss. The excessive adoration drove Abilene higher and into the ear canal. The music grew louder, the light got brighter. Abilene would have to jump, so she gave it all she had. “You’re gonna be a great leader! You’ll go down in history as OMG’s finest president!” With that, Abilene sailed into the ear chamber. The music was blaring now. She thought she recognized “We are the Champions.” This was her chance. Abilene jumped off the cloud, grabbing onto the outer ear. She pulled herself up and out of The Orange Man’s mind. “Oh, damn. I should have taken a lie. Nobody is gonna believe this.” She grabbed a fistful of yellow hair and swung herself onto the table.
© Loren Kraut January 2017
Okay, here’s a middle of the night question for you… How come there’s only one choice when the computer underscores something with that green squiggly line and asks… Did you mean this word instead, and your two options are that new word they’re offering OR “Ignore Once”? What if you want to KEEP ignoring it? What if you really hate that new word, and don’t want to see its ugly mug coming around messing up your shit? What if you LIKE the word you have already? Which is why you chose that word in the first place. What if… wonders never cease… you actually know what the fuck you’re talking about?! Hmm, computer?! What fucking if?!